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sign language

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

Most of your preparations for the supposedly inevitable outcome have been pointless. It should be obvious by now that what you thought would happen isn’t going to. Instead, you’ll be thrust into a totally unexpected situation, for which your careful plans will be utterly useless. Time to improvise! Luckily, you’re very good at that, provided you don’t fixate on all that fruitless work you did. It’s time to let that go, completely, or you won’t be able to think on your feet. And if you’re not able to think on your feet right now, you may as well lay down and cover your face and wait for people to just walk all over you.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)

If the tool you had at hand was a thick black marker, the kind of picture you’d draw on a post-it would be incredibly different from the one you’d draw on a wall-sized mural. Similarly, if you had to fill out that wall mural with a fine-tipped watercolor paintbrush, you’d lose interest or run out of time way before it was done. This week, make sure your “canvas” is the appropriate size for the point you want to make, and that the tools you use are the right ones for the job. It’d be far too easy to choose incorrectly on both counts if you’re not careful.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

Wealth is all relative. All but the poorest of poor Americans are still pretty well off compared to the poor of more impoverished nations. Most Americans have multiple changes of clothes, shoes, transportation, a telephone, television, and access to affordable fresh food, clean water, and resources like the Internet, for example. Perspective is very important here. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, please. As bad off as things are, they could always be much, much worse. Keep that in mind this week. You’re incredibly lucky, and blessed. Isn’t it time you let yourself feel that way?

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

Recall a situation when you had to meet and get to know a large number of people all at once — first day at school or a new job, for example — and remember how there were people who stood out at once and some you had trouble telling apart at first. Those two generically pretty blonde girls, for example. Later you’d learn that one is brash, slutty and hilarious, the other a boring prude, but on that first day you couldn’t for the life of you remember which was which. There are always people who have trouble standing out. If you are one of them, Aquarius, you are not doing your job.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

Because you’re so socially weird, you sometimes have trouble discerning what is or isn’t appropriate behavior. This has not only allowed some serious kooks some prime real estate in your life, it’s also caused you to make some hilariously dramatic gaffes that have earned you a kind of notoriety in your circle. While being the eccentric amongst your friends is a fun role to play, it can sometimes erode your credibility with certain acquaintances. You may have to tone it down this week, and you might need help doing it. When playing your most normal self, make sure you have an able partner-in-crime. Enlist one, pronto.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

If you were an exiled prince(ss) whose parents’ throne had been stolen by evil usurpers, stranded in a strange land with no money, no allies, few friends, and no other assets besides your royal blood, what would you do? Would you give up quietly, marry a local, and lead a peaceful, unthreatening existence? Or would you make a play for the crown, even if it seemed doomed to failure? Although the stakes are nowhere near so high, that is something like the choice you may have to make this week. I can’t tell you which is the way to go — only that you should never give up on anything until you’ve tried it; either the quiet life or the burdens of tremendous responsibility may yet be yours, if you choose.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

You are fond of your habits and rituals, aren’t you? Doing things a certain way every day certainly adds to your stability and wellbeing — most of the time. Sometimes, however, it can certainly start looking an awful lot like a rut. I’m not sure how much new stuff you really want coming into your life; no point in introducing a lot of novelty or many fresh new faces if you’re just not in the mood. However, even creatures of habit such as you require a little variety and innovation. Make a token effort in the next few weeks to ensure you’ve got at least that much.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

Yes, I suppose burning down the house and trying to collect the insurance money is one possible solution to getting out of debt, but it’s not the best one. The antidote to what ails you is probably a lot more complex and tedious than that, but it’s also far more likely to work. The scheme you’ve been contemplating is not only highly likely to fail, epically, but it’s got the added bonus of making your life even more miserable and screwed up than before. Take the long, sure route to where you need to go. Believe me, however lame, boring, and annoying that path is, it’s still far superior to any supposed shortcuts you think are available.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

Just take things as they happen. You have much less than your usual ability to influence events right now, so the control freak in you really needs to take a vacation. Trying to direct the action at the moment will just lead to frustration and misery for all concerned, because this stuff does not need a director, least of all you. Get all Zen about it if you can. Just allow things to unfold as they naturally want to, and enjoy them to the best of your ability. You can go back to making sure everything happens just the way you like it soon enough, but for now try to like it just the way it happens, instead.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

Embrace the unpleasant. Since you’re stuck with the less savory aspects of your existence in any case, go ahead and celebrate them as best you can. They’ll develop your character, especially if you learn to deal with them with grace and dignity. The good news is, the more beauty and serenity you can inject into these situations, the less unpleasant they’ll be. What was forced at first may become natural soon enough. And it’s like a positive feedback circle. The happier you are with things as they are, the more things you will discover to be happy about. In other words, this kind of thing just gets easier and easier, and better and better.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)

You need a tutor, mentor, and guardian angel, rolled into one, who’ll help you navigate the wild, unexplored territory you’re venturing into. Unfortunately, there are none available. You may simply have to make one up. Imaginary friends can be very useful, as long as you don’t take them too seriously. Your own judgment may not be as reliable as usual, so you will have to simulate someone else’s. I don’t care if you ask what Jesus, Brian Boitano, or Wonder Woman would do. Choose someone you can vividly imagine, then heed what they say. It’ll serve you well.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)

When a hapless insect lands in a spider web, the more it struggles, the more entangled and doomed it becomes. It’s kind of twisted, because of course not trying to free itself is also certain destruction. Only rarely does a bug escape that kind of effective trap. Luckily, you have two things going for you: First, you are more intelligent and rational than an insect. Second, despite the fact that it closely resembles one, this snare is nowhere near as efficient and foolproof as a spider web. Although it’s true that the more you mindlessly flail the worse off you’ll be, a little careful, methodical effort on your part should have you flying free in no time.

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Julianne Moore (pictured)

December 3 1960

Marisa Tomei

December 4 1964

Little Richard

December 5 1932

Steven Wright

December 6 1955

Aaron Carter

December 7 1987

Teri Hatcher

December 8 1964

John Malkovich

December 9 1953

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